Receiving rain, and drizzle

Dear Diary,

There is hot rain outside. You know, rain under the heat of sunshine. It has been a long time I have not had this weather. Chilly but hotty at the same time. Yeah, I am not sure about it, but people say that hot rain like this indicates an old man or woman have died. well, that's the mysticism, but aside from that, just let myself praise Allah SWT for this kind of weather Allah's given. I do worship Allah.

well, then. My life lately is just like floating wood in the middle of the ocean. To be frank, I am feeling numb and blunt, not mentioning bleak. I just feel my life has no objective, companions, and challenge that keep me up from boring syndrome. Honestly, I have lots of things to finish, but I just let myself mingle around with something not really productive.

My life needs something different. I just feel my time is wasted with nothing flow for it. I don't say it is totally money I am expecting, I do expect it, but life lately has no meaning for me.

NUMB

I just can prevent myself for being slushed by what you say irresponsibility. My tasks are waiting for me and I ignore them. What an attitude.

Dear Diary,

How should I cope with this kind of condition. I just don't feel myself comfortable with my life. I want to have some refreshment but I am afraid I can't get rid of it once the time has come to dismiss it. In return, I will be just fantasizing being trapped in my eternal holiday.

Humans need to search the meaning of their life. I have not met it yet. Still searching for something worth frighting for.

Let me fly to the realm of unconsciousness, because maybe on the floor of reality I can figure out what to do to exhale myself from suffering I am having.

Receiving rain, and drizzle....

About Time To Leave

My Dearest Diary,

It has been almost two months I have passed here, in a village. due to the fact that I am having my underjob training here, I am staying in Desa Semangko.

Well, that's too usual, but you know what I am going to stay. I am living in a house with six other people and I can say it is totally uneasy to deal with them. Just imagine, seven heads ought to be blended into one is such an extreme idea ever invented and they must create something to help social change in a small village which electricity does not even appear for 24 hours.

i'm mad, stressed, and sometimes depressed here. I can't find someone which I can rely depend on and share problems with. I can say living here is quite the same torture as I had in Briton. Hehe...

But if I can say, I have been close with them now. We, especially I, have never felt this close with them. Ironically, we become like this in the rest of our days here....

My Dearest Diary,

I do miss my life in Balikpapan and I am longing to be with my family again, but as you know, I still have some missions to be done here. I just have around 11 days remaining to gain strength and do the working plans. So miserable, but it is quite challenging though if I think about it deeper.

honestly, I don't feel that our time here is so qualified. We spent too much time not doing anything, just laying lazily and eating and sleeping. Gosh.....

nevertheless, let's inspire ourselves to do better than this. Hope in these remaining days we can finish the working plans and go back to our own life. Though it is bad sometimes, I do hop our friendship can stay alive forever. I will never forget this time of my life. Being here with them is such a wonderful experience.

:)

Thanks for sharing. I will be right back later and bring you upcoming news.

The Adjustment

Dear Diary,

Wheel is turning. Life sometimes can be so tormenting but if we can pass everything well, it offers us the chance to be great, to be smart, and most importantly, to be wise. Since life is process of getting lesson and learning, and also experiencing the exam from God Almighty, Allah SWT, as ordinary humans, it has been our duty to always do good deeds and change ourselves to be better.

Dear Diary,

After experiencing some time here in bad condition, I finally can adjust myself with people living here. Here, in the village of Marangkayu, step by step, I try to open my heart, to be a more patient, friendly, unflat, and most importantly, tolerant person. It was so hard at the beginning. I had to struggle with the ignorance people gave to me. I admit it, it could be my ignorance and arrogance which made them act like that to me. What a fact, haha... But surely, the situation gets better now. I have been able to be a more patient and warm people.

Dear Diary,

Actually I am so confused what to tell you now. I am with my friends now. They are busy watching film and being so hungry cause nobody wants to cook noodle for us. Me? I have been so tired doing the chores I am obliged to do today.

Dear Diary,

My resolution now is:

1. I wanna find job to find the money for my living

2. I wanna start a new business, If I can, I wanna make business related to books.

3. I wanna save much money

4. I wanna get scholarship abroad

5. I wanna go back to Balikpapan soon

6. I wanna learn other languages (French, Japanese, Arabic, Germany, Mandarin, and of course: Javanese!! :)...)

7. I wanna continue my novel and send my stories to magazine! I must be a famous writer!

Dear Diary,

Nice to share everything with you. I am feeling a bit sleepy now. Next time, I will share other things to

you. See you

New Place of New Experience

What I can say to you now is I am having a terrible loss of confidence. I am rebuilding myself. I am surviving here, because I don't have anybody to rely on. Well, I just feel that this underjob training is such a survival, I must stay here for remaining 47 days and I must keep my heart on. Just pray for me. I love you all.

I will be out of here

Dear diary, it seems that the day I will be out of here is getting nearer. Something has happened to me today that I feel that, alright, I had better no longer be here. A clash has happened here with my colleague. Won't say the name of "hers", you have already known her though. It has been enough already for me to receive bad things from her. It is enough already. My reason to leave is getting stronger since I don't feel I belong here anymore. I don't feel comfortable anymore, I am not bound by the strong feeling of friendship and brotherhood here. Every day is just like the pain in the ***. I am done with this.

Thanks God for the chance You have given to me for experiencing much in this place. Actually I do feel hard to leave. But this is my choice. I will keep going on to my future. Thank's for everybody who has been caring to me. You all are my spirit box.

Hidupku akhir-akhir ini

Akhir-akhir ini aku semakin sering ya menulis di blog tercintaku ini. Banyak alasan sih sebenarnya. Tapi yang paling dasar sebenarnya aku ingin membagi ceritaku. Aku orang yang introvert, susah untuk curhat ke orang. Orang pasti akan memberikan penilaian. Tatkala penilaiannya menentramkan, aku akan senang mendengarnya, tapi kalau tidak, bukannya tambah semangat malah tambah malas. Itulah aku. (Dasar manusia.....)

Sejujurnya, hidupku memang agak berat akhir-akhir ini. Aku banyak mendapatkan masalah yang cukup berat, mulai dari kampus yang dengan tidak tanggung-tanggung memberikan banyak tugas, masalah KKN, tugas membuat sebuah wirausaha, sampai perseteruan dengan rekan kerja. Berat memang, tapi mungkin inlah hidup, atau mungkin lebih tepatnya inilah sedikit esensi hidup. Hidup selalu penuh dengan masalah, dari yang tingkatnya kecil sampai ke batu gunung. Manusia sih doyannya membuat masalah itu terlihat besar, padahal kalau ditelusuri, bukan mustahil kita akan mendapatkan jawabannya. (Sok bijak mode on)

Aku akan mencoba untuk tabah dan berbesar hati menerima semua ini. Mungkin juga ini peringatan dari Allah SWT supaya aku kembali ke jalan yang benar, menunaikan perintah-Nya dan menjauhi larangan-Nya. Kuakui setahun terakhir ini ibadahku sangat kurang. Aku seakan lupa pada Dia yang telah menciptakanku. Duh Rabbi, ampunilah hamba-Mu ini atas segala kesalahan yang telah ia perbuat.

Walaupun sedikit, aku merasa beban di hatiku berkurang. Semoga semua cobaan ini bisa kutarik nilai positifnya. Semoga dengan adanya cobaan ini aku bisa menjadi manusia yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya.

Through the wind, I will whisper the word of my heart
Though I know people will banish me for hearing it
I will let their image go and whisper support for myself
As thousand vows floating in the air,
Let my words dance in the air

..............

Ulang Tahun yang Ke-20

Sudah berumur 20 tahun, sudah merasa tua...

Haha....

Alhamdulillah, Allah masih memberiku masa hidup sampai detik ini. Lumayan juga sudah aku berkarir di dunia ini. walaupun aku masih merasa belum semua yang aku inginkan dan usahakan tercapai, tapi aku senang karena aku sudah sukses melakukan beberapa hal yang sudah kucanangkan beberapa waktu lalu.

Rasanya sudah dari beberapa tahun yang lalu aku bermimpi untuk berumur 20 tahun. Waktu aku masih SMA, aku selalu berpikir, kira-kira akan seperti apa ya diriku waktu berumur 20 tahun. Ternyata gambaran itu sudah terjawab sekarang: ceking, kurus, memikat....

Haha lagi.....

Well, many things have come to me right away, and they have changed me in the way I did not realize. Banyak hal yang datang dan itu semua telah mengubahku dalam cara yang tak kusadari. Kusadari perubahan itu ada. Aku tidak tahu apakah perubahan itu menyenangkan atau tidak bagi orang lain, tapi aku merasa baik-baik saja. Maaf bagi yang terganggu, tapi inilah diriku. Terimalah diriku apa adanya. (Kok agak egois ya kedengarannya...?)

Anyway, I feel that this period of time is a kind of solstice for me. pertama kali memasuki usia 20an berarti pertama kali memasuki masa dewasa yang sesungguhnya. Pastinya akan ada banyak sekali hal, bauk yang menyenangkan maupun tidak yang akan kuhadapi saat aku memasuki tahapan ini. Walaupun sepertinya berat, aku akan berusaha untuk menghadapinya. Walaupun sepertinya penuh tantangan, aku akan berusaha melewatinya. Pastinya aku berharap, aku bisa melewatinya dengan baik.

Terima kasih Allah, atas waktu yang kau berikan padaku sampai detik ini untuk hidup. Terima kasih, Ibu dan Papah, atas doa restu kalian selama ini. Terima kasih, Tono, atas semangat "keadikan"mu yang selalu kau beri padaku. Terima kasih Evi, atas cinta kasih yang dengan sabar dan perhatian selalu kau berikan selama ini. Terima kasih kepada seluruh temanku yang sudah mendukungku selama ini. Dan juga kepada para rival dan musuh yang telah ikut menempaku menjadi orang yang lebih baik. Terima kasih, terima kasih, terima kasih.

I love you all.

The Day of The needle

Hari-hari ini rasanya bagaikan jarum beracun buatku. Susah sekali untuk melewatinya. Aku tidak tahu sudah seperti apakah kedua telapak kakiku. Kurasa keduanya sudah berdarah-darah; lebih dari itu malahan, karena terus menerus kupaksa untuk melangkah. Aku tidak menyerah, itu keajaiban. Pada tahap seperti ini biasanya aku akan mengangkat tanganku, dan berkata ini sudah cukup, aku tidak akan melanjutkannya lagi. tapi entah kenapa aku bertahan. Dan sekali lagi, kalau aku masih bisa bertahan, itu betul-betul suatu keajaiban.

Aku tidak tahu lagi sudah berapa banyak air mata yang kuhabiskan hanya untuk hal sepele seperti ini. Aku tidak mau munafik. Kadang aku menangis. Di keheningan malam, tatkala rasa sakit itu menusuk lebih tajam dari sembilu, aku, seorang laki-laki, akan menangis tanpa suara.

Aku sudah berunding dengan orangtuaku. Aku akan berhenti dari pekerjaanku. Aku akan menmmcari contoh surat pengunduran diri secepatnya dan memasukkan lamaran ke tempatku ini. Sebagian dari hatiku merasa tidak ingin pergi, tapi aku tetap akan pergi dari sini. Aku masih berhutang pada orangtuaku. Aku harus berfokus pada itu dulu.

Kata-katamu riuh mengalir bagai gerimis.....

Aku menantikan lebih dari sekadar gerimis.

Aku menantikan sebuah keajaiban.